On July 23, more than 8 years since he left, Jax returned to the orphanage where he lived for his first year of life.
This day was full of questions and nerves and emotions. By the end of our two hour visit Jax was already asking when he could come back and play with the kids again, and he has asked multiple times since. As soon as we arrived in Kiev he had some very good and difficult questions. Up until the night before we were scheduled to visit the orphanage he wavered in his desire to go there, understandably, but now he seems very glad that he visited and also very glad to be coming home.
The orphanage he was in is the baby home in Kherson, the kids stay only until age 3 or 4. Ethan jumped right in and started playing with the little ones when we arrived, they were charmed by him and he loves babies. Cullen and Katya just started playing, to them this was no different than any other playground. Jax was understandably a bit timid but didn't want to leave when time was up. He has commented on how happy most of them seemed when they were playing but how sad they must be inside since they don't have a mom and dad. How tender and insightful and hard to reconcile.
There were a few nurses and the director that remembered Jax. The director is very kind and caring, we were pleased to see her again. Everyone there seemed thrilled to see him and know how well he was doing. I think he was a bit overwhelmed with being the center of attention but he handled all the hugs very well, and if you know Jax you know how hard this was for him.
They gave him a tour of his old group rooms where they ate, slept, and played. He didn't remember anything but just took it all in, most interested in the kids eating their morning snack.
When he gave the director his donation ($960, wow!) and explained how he had raised the money she was surprised and very happy. It was the best reaction we could have hoped for Jax in this long anticipated moment. She asked if it was ok to use some of the money to buy fresh fruit and ice cream for the children. Of course Jax was thrilled, food is the thing he most wanted for them and he didn't even have to say so. What a blessing it was to see God at work in every detail of this visit. Thank you to everyone who contributed and encouraged and prayed for his fundraiser, this was such a special moment that you helped make possible.
It is impossible to describe or to even know the full impact of this visit. It is so good that we went and I feel confident that it was overall positive. The orphanage and especially the play equipment seemed to be in better condition than when we had been there last which was nice to see. As we remembered, the nurses seemed to really care about and care well for the kids. It was very good for all of us, but especially Jax to see this firsthand.
It was also extremely hard for us to leave and say goodbye to the kids there knowing that we were going home as a family, something they may never know. I have no doubt we will be processing this experience for a long time. Our continued prayer is that Jax will always talk openly with us about his past, his fears, his questions, his dreams, all of it.
And of course we pray constantly for orphans, not just here but around the world and in our own towns. We have faces now to put with some of these prayers, and heavy hearts too. Constantly on this day and this entire trip we have been reminded of God's provision and care and we are reminded now to trust that He is caring for the kids that we can not tangibly help.
Another unknown with this visit was Katya. Katya was not in this same orphanage or even this city, but there are many similarities and she has a much better chance of remembering things. God was merciful to her and to our family in that the orphanage visit did not stir up any trauma for her, or at least not that we could tell. She did say "I remember this room with all the beds next to each other" when we went into the group bedroom, but she did not freak out. In fact she has slept relatively well for much of the trip, that is nothing short of a miracle. I was also fearful that certain types of toilets might trigger a negative memory but they didn't. The food, smells, sights, language all seemed foreign to her for the entire trip, in both France and Ukraine. She never asked any questions about her town, her adoption, and most often did not really even know what country we were in. This is for the best in her case, for now at least. Though we have always been open with the kids and willing to answer any questions about their adoptions I think it is a blessing that Katya understands so little of it right now as she continues to work through her emotional struggles.
Interestingly yesyerday, in addition to multiple questions about when he could come back to play with the kids again Jax also suggested coming back someday and starting a humane society in Ukraine. He has been struck by all the stray dogs and frustrated that we won't let him pet them all. In his words, "I have a soft spot in my heart for dogs". Me too! Ethan followed this conversation up by asking when we could "fix" Sammy, our 10 year old spayed dog, so they she could have puppies, ha! But really, what a thoughtful idea and positive response to something that could be viewed very negatively.
I think and hope that this week in Ukraine has helped Jax to know and understand some of his history and has endeared him to the country of his birth. We have seen and tasted and experienced so many great things that Ukraine and specifically Kherson has to offer. I also know that this week has exposed him to some realities that are hard to imagine when a comfortable life in the U.S. is all you have ever known. He has avoided conversation about most of this for now.
Jax has a huge heart and I hope there is always a place in it for Ukraine and for orphans. I am in awe of his maturity and generosity and strenght. What an amazing kid and gift to our family! We are blessed to have four unique, special, wonderful kids!
I love to look at these pictures and notice most prominently the smile on Jax's face in every one. Even when he was hanging back taking it all in he was still smiling.
As we all sat around the table for lunch after the visit we were eating something that was familiar to him from our home and he said, "It feels like home. Well, I guess I am at home in a way." :)
I want to publicly thank Gene for helping us make this visit possible. He planned all of our time in Kherson from the amazing excursions to this very special orphanage visit. He was a wonderful translator and facilitator and we are happy to now call him a friend. I thank his family for sharing him with us for a few days.
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